Arocoun's Journal

arocoun2 @ 2009-12-26T22:57:00

2009-12-27T04:57:08Z

How do you get people to see the obvious flaws of speciesism, homophobia, racism, classism, religious biggotry, etc? It would seem that for most people, the beliefs they are taught as children are the hardest ones to combat. They become the primary assumptions on which people's entire view of life is based. And if evidence shows that their beliefs are wrong, the obviously the evidence is flawed.

I've realized for a while now that irrational cultural beliefs cause almost all the unnecessary pain in the world. But in my short 24 years, I still haven't found ANY way to combat such beliefs, except my own. Life experience has shown me the importance of extending love and tolerance to people who aren't like me; but life experience doesn't seem to work on a societal scale. Lots of people die old and gray, just as hateful as when they were kids.

I don't think I'll be able to do anything really important to change the world for the better until I learn more about how to solve this problem. And I'm getting frustrated with it.

-----

Christmas was simple and fun this year. I got some cheap presents from my family and couldn't give anything in return. But cooking and eating and hanging out together and enjoying the bright lights was great!

I've been letting a sick cat in out of the cold, into the house lately. She's playful, nice, and very friendly.

-----

Ahh! I need new shoes! Both of mine have holes that let snow in freely, and freeze my feet!

arocoun2 @ 2009-12-18T21:47:00

2009-12-19T03:47:57Z

I've come to the realization that I will never be able to hold a professional career; because however much I know about physics or math, and however much I love science and learning, I'm too much of a freewilled adventurer to commit to a long term job or living situation.

But I think I still want to give steady living with a job, rent, and all that a short try. Gonna try working at temp agencies or something else that doesn't require long term commitment. I'm working to get my driver's license now, since it's needed for many temp jobs.

And when I get tired of being a capitalist pig, I can go back to being a dirty vagrant, or whatever else I want!

arocoun2 @ 2009-11-14T16:28:00

2009-11-14T22:28:19Z

I have mostly unpredictable computer access at this time. I think I'll just spew out thoughts as they come to mind.

BEGIN MEMORY DUMP:

--My sister and her boyfriend are renting a cheap house. They got a month of free rent because they cleaned up after the crackhead scumfucks who lived there before, and painted/repaired some rooms. I helped. Well, now I'm staying there on and off, and I'm hoping to be able to pay my share of rent and utilities, and stay there more permanently, but to do that I have to get an income. The main benefit of having an apartment, of course, is that not being a homeless mooch will make going to college easier. I figure I can pay for rent, utilities, and food with a part time job.

--Not having a driver's license will make getting a decent job more difficult. I need to get one, now that the family's car is fixed up.

--I'm a bit bummed because I don't have any close friends in Illinois. And I miss a lot of people I know because I know I won't see them for a while.

--Well, I have an appointment with an academic councelor at the community college this week. Should hopefully clarify the difficulties I'm having with my academic situation.

Lazy-assed ways to make your computer useful:

2009-10-17T06:06:45Z

Distributed Computing Projects

For the very few of my friends that actually own a computer, this is for you. A lot of computers stay on all the time, but go long periods of time doing next to nothing. Well, why not make your computer work for something beneficial?

A lot of beneficial research is being done today for the sake of helping medical science, disease control, understanding climate change, and other things. Sometimes, these research projects require lots of computing power to solve gigantic equations, but don't have the funding or equipment to accomplish that on their own. That's where your computer comes in.

Distributed computing programs allow your computer to take on small chunks of those gigantic equations, to help beneficial research. The World Community Grid, one such project, allows one's computer to run equations for research involved in making better AIDS medication, predicting climate change, understanding protein reactions like those involved in Alzheimer's, the best methods of protecting people from malaria, and other beneficial research.

BOINC, the program used for most distributed computing, can help with those projects I just mentioned, and others; such as mapping space and understanding its mysteries, improving our understanding of physics, and other such scientific and mathematical endeavors.

These programs run in the backround with low priority--they won't interfere a bit with anything else you want to do on your computer.

Distributed Volunteer Work

These are projects for when you want something useful and fun to do with your free time. I think of them as usefully goofing off. I participate in such projects as Stardust@home, where volunteers try to help find interstellar particles that can help us understand more about the stars; Galaxy Zoo, where one can help classify the myriad of galaxies in deep space; and Distributed Proofreaders, a project to preserve and spread the availability of old books and literature by converting them to online e-books. These programs require no commitment, and you can volunteer as much or as little as you want without harm.

These are just a few modest suggestions for how to use spare computing power and free time. I have no delusions that this stuff will save the world by itself (though lots of it could save lives down the road), but why not turn you or your computer's relaxation time into something helpful for gaining or preserving knowledge?

The Big Picture

2009-10-17T05:24:26Z

This is the Hubble Ultra Deep Field photo. If you'll remember the size of the moon in the sky, this photo is of an apparently black, empty bit of space with an area in the sky 1/100th that of the moon. Included in this this photo of this very tiny bit of sky are 10,000 whole galaxies of up to more than 13 billion years in age.

Our observable universe includes more than 80 BILLION galaxies, each containing millions of stars and many millions of planets. Our own galaxy all by itself includes millions of stars and many millions of planets, many which can sustain organic life; and our own solar system has many planets and moons with water, carbon, and other organic compounds and elements.

I've been aware that the universe is quite large since my teenage years. But looking at this photo of a dot-sized area of our sky containing 10,000 galaxies, any meaning of huge I had before has been permanently dwarfed.

-----

I've been pretty introspective lately. At first, I was wondering what role I should play in the world. I couldn't find an answer because I felt like everything I could do was too weak, too small.

Then my interest in the stars and galaxies was rekindled, and I eventually came to a realization of how big of possibilities our universe offered--orders of magnitude larger than anything I previously imagined. On whatever scale you can imagine (interstellar, galactic, intergalactic, universal) within or beyond our own solar system, there is life, potential for life, and worlds of knowledge, wisdom, and spiritualities we can't even imagine, and which are currently beyond us, at the very least in a physical sense. And here we are, humanity at its "best," behaving in general as an exceptionally cruel, socially backward, and ignorant species, with a few exceptional individuals. When it comes to the big picture, we aren't in the game--we aren't even in the game's stadium.

One would imagine that someone who felt ineffective and small before would feel nihilistic after a realization like this. The exact opposite is the case with me. Suddenly, I realize that my fellow humans, along with the rest of the life around me, can be so much better than it is; and more importantly, it SHOULD be.

More importantly, I'm aiming higher. My goals are bigger. I want the world to become a wiser, kinder, more loving place. I want humanity to reach more and more of its immense potential. And I want to do my part, however small, to the best of my ability, to help either of those goals.

I'm no longer content to drift along, doing something useful occasionally. I want to spend as much time as possible doing something friendly, or kind, or helpful, or knowledge-seeking; and I'm hoping that my idea that kindness spreads has any truth to it. I want to be a catalyst--I want to set a good example for others, and hope that they catch on.

-----

Sorry for the long absence, by the way. I haven't been replying to entries or comments mostly because I've been away from LJ. I just needed some introverted thinking time. Plus, nothing worth writing about happens in this area of Illinois, anyways!

arocoun2 @ 2009-09-25T04:24:00

2009-09-25T09:34:35Z

It's odd. I have the strong desire to become a plumber. It just feels right. Unfortunately, there aren't any apprenticeship opportunities until next summer, but I want to do it.

I mean, I have my logical reasons for wanting to be a plumber. I want a carreer that is needed anywhere, under all societal conditions, and which can be used to aid things I support (organic farms, easy access to clean water, graywater systems, etc.). But mostly, it just kinda feels like the job is calling out to me. I have a family history of construction and repair on my dad's side--my grandpa was a bricklayer and a carpenter, my dad does carpentry and repair work, my uncle did work in various aspects of construction. It must be instinct.

arocoun2 @ 2009-09-08T17:56:00

2009-09-08T22:03:51Z

Xander and I got stuck in Charlotte, NC for a full two and a half days. Eventually, with one short ride from a trucker and an 80+ mile ride from a couple of 16-year-old girls, we made it to our friends' place in Asheville, NC. The town is pretty cool. It's not very large, but it seems to have a decent amount of a hippie feel to it, and a strong yuppie presence means there's plenty of fancy food to get.

arocoun2 @ 2009-09-03T14:16:00

2009-09-03T18:49:52Z

When I went from NYC to Cypher's place in Maryland, Xander was already there, and now we're heading further south, probably later on today.

-----

I'm old enough to realize that life is hardly ever as simple as I'd like. But it seems that for the last week, life has insisted on being as complex and unpredictable as possible.

But of particular importance now, is the fact that friends of mine seem to be getting into fallings-out all over the place. All about an issue that I have niether the information nor the right to have any involvement in. I keep wishing there was a way I could influence things in a positive manner, but if there is I can't find it.

-----

Got to eat "paper masala dosa" at an Indian resteraunt yesterday. Very interesting Indian food. Imagine a cardboard-thin pancake large enough to shape into a megaphone-like object, with potatoes and onion inside the "megaphone". If you haven't had it, get it, if only for the novelty value. VERY filling.

arocoun2 @ 2009-08-25T00:16:00

2009-08-25T04:23:20Z

I've been a bit easily-upset lately because my dog had to be put down after a stroke. I miss Cypher and Ramsey and Joey and a bunch of other people. I feel kinda isolated, and I wonder if it has more to do with me than with others.

Something Positive

2009-08-22T02:14:35Z

I've come to the conclusion that we're all more powerful than we think we are, through the little things we do. Socially, those little actions you take count. Nine times out of ten, a kind word from a friend will brighten their day a lot; and more often than they realize, people treat their closest friends like dirt. Kindness ripples out--it makes people happy, and happy people treat others kindly. Callousness also ripples out. And at this point, the world could use a lot more kindness.

Consider that.

Don't be yourself - be someone a little nicer.

Good advice if I ever saw it.

-----

We're more powerful than we think we are. A change from the typical American diet to a vegan diet saves 100 lives PER YEAR from the horrors of factory farming, give or take. One. Hundred. Lives. YEARLY. Vegans use 1/10th of the energy, 1/10th of the land, and 1/100th of the water to make their food that the average person does. A freegan takes a million dollars out of the US economy. Just to put a few examples. A single focused person can cause many, many times more good or harm than their fair share, if they really tried.

-----

In New Brunswick, NJ. Going to Maine via NYC soon.

Went to Long Beach Island. Ate a shitload of good food. Swam in the ocean for my first time, and really enjoyed it. Went skinny dipping at night, and enjoyed that. Came back, ate more good food. Played Risk with the folks I met here a couple times, but they kept quitting. Found out we were playing it a bit wrong.

Life is awesome.

It's been too long since I've been to Berkeley or seen Joseph.

arocoun2 @ 2009-08-04T19:20:00

2009-08-04T23:40:01Z

Only fools try to reinvent the wheel. I think I need to learn from someone with more life experience than myself, to find out how to solve the seemingly-little problems that keep weighing on me.

arocoun2 @ 2009-08-02T18:44:00

2009-08-02T22:59:01Z

It's somewhat comforting to realize that I'm still growing; improving; maturing, one might say.

Physically, I'm probably approaching the best shape I've been in in my life. I'm a little short on endurance because I've been a tad bit sedentary, but that's easy to fix. I'm stronger than I've ever been.

I've been growing intellectually. I've been forced to rethink many of my views on the world; and for the first time in quite a while, I've taken a serious look at issues like race and class. I've grown more confident in my abilities, and I finally feel like I can survive alone and travel alone, even if I'd MUCH rather be with my friends.

And emotionally...I've much improved since I first left home 2 years ago. I've finally got things figured out that would have confounded me or crushed me in the past. I've learned to love and accept real people with real flaws, and be a caring friend; and how to do so without being anybody's door mat. I've still got a long way to go.

One of the big questions on my mind at this time is, "Where do I go from here?"

Upon Further Thought...

2009-07-31T19:12:18Z

I may have accidentally shown too much negativity toward the APOC disruptors, while seeming to support the racism of the CI folk. So allow me to make a few points to clarify my view on the whole spectacle.

--The APOC disruptors were annoying because they focused so much on color (not even race, but color); they ignored other critical issues like class, or wealth (most of the CI folk were poor), or most important by far: The individual. But honestly, I'm not that angry at the disruptors at this time, because what they said was right. They really don't have a lot of power, politically or otherwise. It's unfair, and it's wrong; and I can't be angry at them for lashing at the weakest group of white people that they could find.

--Half of the CrimethInc. folk are a bunch of liberal fucktards. Seriously, the dumbasses who set up the convergence thought from the beginning that white people gentrify neighborhoods, but they set up the convergence near a poor black neighborhood anyways. If you think you're a gentrifier, and you hold your event near a poor black neighborhood, it's either racist, or incredibly dumb, or both.

--Dumb-ass shit was said by the CI folk. Just because I think individualism is tons more important than skin color, doesn't mean that I find comments that say race doesn't matter at all to be acceptable. And quoting MLK, or stuff like the Inappropriate Jokes workshop, are just begging for trouble, at best.

--I think both the disruptors, and the CI, have their priorities way off. There are much, much bigger forces of gentrification that a one week convergence populated by poor white people. And, there are much, much bigger things for a person to feel guilty for than being the wrong skin color. Like eating tortured animals.

--Most important point of all for me, is that I have a true love of individualism and choice. To me, there's no greater goal for the individual than moving beyond what they're born as to become something better. And there are few things I find more unbearable than people who focus things that can't be chosen (like race, or sex, or species), and who focus more on identity politics (you're black, you're white, you're male, etc.) than on the individual and their choices.

Memories of "They"

2009-07-30T23:48:04Z

The next evening after the disruption, the folk of CrimethInc decided to have a discussion about the incident. Or rather, what WE did wrong to the APOC to deserve this. I don't really know how to write about this discussion. I think I'll just post a series of quotes...

Guy: "I have a problem calling the people who disrupted the convergence 'They.' It assumes that they are seperate from us."

Girl: "Right, let's call them the disrupters."

Me, thinking: They kinda "they"ed themselves when they threw our shit out the door.

- - -

Facilitator of the discussion: "Okay, so let's discuss some of the racist things that were said last night. Any comments?"

I raise my hand. "Yeah. There were a lot of terrible things said last night. I'm sure most of them were entirely unplanned, and were just said in the heat of the moment. But they were very hurtful. Stuff like, for example, 'Go back to Europe.' That kind of--"

Fac: "--No, no, no. We're talking about the racist things WE said last night."

Me: "Oh, okay, sorr--"

Fac: "--Any other comments?"

- - -

Fac: "Any other racist things that were said?"

Girl: "Yeah. Someone said 'We're all the same color on the inside.'"

Guy: "'Aren't we all fighting for the same thing?'"

Guy: "'This disruption is divisive.'"

Girl: "Well, I said 'Should I appologize for being white?'"

Guy: "Someone quoted a Martin Luther King speech."

- - -

Fac: "Okay, 'We're all the same color on the inside.' Does anyone here not understand how that's racist?"

There are 100+ people in the room. Four people raise their hand--Xander, myself, and possibly Cypher among them.

Fac: "Anyone want to explain how this is racist?"

Girl: "Yeah, this statement assumes that all people are the same, and have the same problems, and should be treated exactly the same. It neglects white priviledge."

Me, thinking: What the fuck? Is this what people think that meant?!

- - -

Fac: "'Should I appologize for being white?' Okay, who doesn't understand why that's racist?"

I'm one of three people to raise my hand. The comment was unstrategic, not thoughtful, and not helpful, but it didn't seem racist compared to "Go back to Europe."

Silence.

Girl: "I said that. One of them--I mean, one of the disrupters--was shouting at me. He said 'I'm tired of seeing your white faces,' and (she begins sobbing) I asked if I should appologize for being white."

Fac: "Okay, so who can tell me what was wrong with that comment?"

(a small selection of answers, all given while the girl's sobbing or looking miserable)

"It makes it out so that YOU are the disempowered individual, instead of the people of color."

"It assumes that you have anything to apologize for." The nicest thing said to the girl.

Palestinian girl: "First of all, all of these colorblind comments can be insulting. Many people of color consider race to be an important part of their identity. ... Also, white people have in the past been responsible for genocide and imperialism. As their descendants, white people do have something to apologize for." Original sin. The dumbest thing I've ever heard of.

-----

I eventually left the discussion in disgust, along with half the other folks there.

Disruption

2009-07-30T23:15:18Z

The last month has been the most interesting, emotional, happy, and painful month I've gotten to experience, and had to endure, in a very long time. There are many things I can possibly write about, many adventures to recall...

Let's start from the highlight of the week, and work from there.

-----

The various performances put on by my fellow anarchists were coming to an end. We were in the ballroom, the biggest room in the CI Convergence's building, and there was no expectation that something serious would disrupt the Convergence going according to plan. Until, in the back of the room, a group of "colored" folk (their word) start reading a paper on gentrification. It was hard to understand what they were saying, but their meaning became clear pretty quickly. "We're not joking! GET OUT!" One of them grabs my sleeping bag and backpack, and my stuff is the first of many things to go flying out the door.

A group of 6 or 7 people claiming to represent APOC (Anarchist People Of Color) was attempting the evict the CrimethInc. Convergence for being a force of gentrification. At the top of their lungs, they were screaming in people's faces, and saying hurtful things.

"Go back to Europe!"

"All of you white people with your dumpstering, and your squatting, and your community houses, are gentrifying cities everywhere! Just stop!"

"I'm tired of seeing all of your white faces!"

"Get in your cars, and go home!"

I'm almost never one to get outwardly angry, but in this instance I was so furious I was twitching. The bastards were throwing my things around, screaming at us (one even had the nerve to scream an inch from Cypher's face, and it took great discipline not to smash his head then and there), and focusing entirely on race, something I have no choice about. The fucktards were essentially saying that for the color of my skin (I'm not even fully of European descent), I had no right to exist anywhere.

Xander had no intention of leaving. "Has anyone done the math? There are 5 of them, and 150 of us. We shouldn't be the one's leaving."

Eventually, I recovered most of my stuff (minus the shorts that I sleep in), and Cypher and I left to sleep at a local's house. I was torn between leaving and staying for the night, but in the end, I wanted to stick with Cypher. We returned the next day for the Really-Really Free Market. In total, about 1/3 of the Convergence attendees didn't return.

Conditioning

2009-06-30T23:05:31Z

I've been keeping a pretty good conditioning schedule to keep my body in good shape and improve strength, especially for use in parkour. But oddly, I haven't practiced parkour itself in a while. It's funner to practice with others, I guess!

I had to take a break from conditioning a couple weeks ago, because a few pains that threatened to turn into injuries were building up. But after a week of rest, I was energetic, and the pains went away.

Nowadays, I can do 7 pull ups in a row maximum, with 10% bodyweight added via backpack. I can do 9 or 10 pull ups maximum without extra weight. A definite improvement since a few weeks ago.

I could probably be working harder on conditioning; but I need a more inspiring environment than this boring little town.

arocoun2 @ 2009-06-26T23:02:00

2009-06-27T04:03:48Z

My brother had a tooth abscess, and he's in a whole bunch of pain. I wish I could share a bit of the burden, but sadly, pain doesn't work like that. Can't wait for the antibiotics to kick in...

arocoun2 @ 2009-06-18T11:32:00

2009-06-18T16:39:52Z

This time spent in Illinois is kind of like a vacation from being useful, for me. I came here expecting to do some construction or repair work, but honestly, there's not much to do. So, I'm just going to enjoy doing shit I can't usually do away from Illinois--playing videogames, hanging out with my brother, playing with the family's cats, etc. And, I'll resume going on adventures, worrying about animal rights, scavenging, and doing the homeless thing in July.

I still haven't seen my black cat. Seems he won't be coming back. I miss him.

I still need to find useful things to do here, but I'm not too concerned. I have a hell of a long time to be useful, but only a few weeks to be a useless member of my family's household.

arocoun2 @ 2009-05-12T17:42:00

2009-05-13T00:48:00Z

I think I spent too much time in the cold last night. I spent most of last night's sleep shivering under my blanket; and I've got a terrible sore throat!

Still won't stop me from training, though. Today's my arm exercise day, and because I'm sick, I think I'll try out a Grease the Groove (GTG) exercise schedule. Which just basically means doing a few pull-ups/dips now and then over the coarse of the day, but never working to exhaustion. It's supposed to be a very effective way to increase strength.

I hope this sickness goes away by tomorrow, or I'll have to miss helping with Wed. FNB again.

Sick or not, life is still awesome.

Progression

2009-05-12T08:51:07Z

New accomplishments in parkour:

--I can now vault with significant forward speed, allowing me to land many feet away from the obstacle that I vault.
--I can monkey vault objects as tall as my upper-chest, and as low as my ankle.
--I can speed vault over waist-high obstacles.
--I can finally lazy vault over waist-high obstacles.
--I can do pullups powerfully enough to jump upward a foot or two while wall-hanging.

Goals:

--Perfect above techniques.
--Improve my ankle strength so I can land vaults with less fear of sprains.
--Learn dash vault.
--Learn to vault higher objects.
--Improve fingertip grip.
--Improve precisions.
--Improve broad jump.
--Improve wall run.
--Improve roll.
--Learn to handstand (why not?).

-----

I try nowadays to make every single moment that I have the energy to do so count. Every day, I do something to make myself happy, and something to improve the world around me. I'm very happy, in general.

I think right now my ONLY complaint in life, and a minor one at that, is a total lack of romance. But with a body and a mind as amazing as mine, that won't last long.

arocoun2 @ 2009-05-09T13:31:00

2009-05-09T20:44:10Z

I really fail to see the appeal of developing a habit of alcoholism (or any other drug habit, for that matter). I further fail to see the appeal of getting so drunk that you can't walk without crashing into shit, keep tripping over shit, keep falling down stairs, etc.

I've seen the smartest and most sensible folk here at Hellarity turn into violent brutes, dumbasses, and jackasses. It's kinda sad, really.

Achievement

2009-05-09T08:02:38Z

I feel absolutely great today. Why?

--I did arm exercises today, and found that I can now do 7 pull-ups in a row (from dead-hang to chin above, no cheating). This is an improvement from 6 last week and 5 three weeks ago. Progress is so slow in strength exercising, but when you see improvement, it feels good.

--I did a lot today. Helped with FNB, stole delicious food, went with Critical Mass for the first time in forever, met old acquaintances, explored new parts of town, and did other things as well.

--I can now vault over an obstacle I couldn't before.

--I made some vegan stew that everyone loved a couple nights ago, and I'm finishing making some apple crisp now.

Basically, I'm feeling capable of doing a lot today.

Without Empathy

2009-05-08T10:12:58Z

A friend in a cage.
Depressed. Lost his love of life.
Has justice been done?

The crimes my friend has been accused of committing are no more violent than chalking on a sidewalk and printing public information. Yet the people who steal away his freedom deplore some vague notion of "violence" being used to change the world for the better. What is meant by this?

This is from pigs armed with badges and guns and clubs and tasers; people who feel fulfilled by giving citations to homeless folk for not paying to sleep; people who'd gladly beat me down given the very littlest excuse.

This is from a prosecutor who, with the full violent force of the federal government and the police, steals away people's freedom before they've even been convicted of a crime.

This is from the FBI, the organization that conducted COINTELPRO and has a long history of killing, maiming, framing, and fighting civil rights groups by any means necessary.

This is from lobbyists; who actively support fur farming, the meat industry, animal testing of consumer products, hunting, and other enterprises that specifically target animals with ruthless, irresistible violence and imprisonment.

This is from a government that conducts wars. This is from corporations that allow people to go hungry.

This is from the American public, which commits the most violent act of all: Massive-scale Apathy.

This is from people who've never been imprisoned or tortured, and don't know or care what it's like. People who've never had their lives stolen, day to day, month to month, on a permanent basis until the final death. They don't know what it feels like; they don't care what it feels like. This is from people without empathy.

The most violent elements of our society are at large, and are incredibly dangerous. They walk around free and dress nicely.

Challenge

2009-05-05T05:13:14Z

There isn't a day that I practice parkour that I don't feel stronger and more confident for having done it. Further, I've been walking/climbing almost everywhere barefoot, and the strength in my ankles is greatly improved. It was about a month ago that I still felt like landing on my left foot from a 2 ft drop would re-sprain my ankle. Now, I feel stronger and more agile on my feet than I ever have before.

-----

I'm wondering constantly now if my life has gone stale; especially staying at Hellarity. I've wondered that for the last week or so.

My social interactions have become dull, with one or two exceptions. As a whole, I feel like I'm a welcome part of the community at Hellarity; and part of the radical community in the East Bay. I will always have a home, maybe even a supportive home, in Berkeley and Oakland. But there are maybe one or two individuals that I could say I have anything in common with in my daily life; and one person I'd be able to hang out and do things with as an individual. There were others, but they moved out of the Bay Area indefinitely.

Just as importantly, for the first time since I've ever been in Berkeley, I don't feel like I'm learning anything from my experiences that are changing me as an individual. I've stopped maturing, stopped the progression of my mind and habbits from weaker to stronger.

Something needs to change--that's what instinct is telling me. I spent a while wondering what that change might need to be. I feel a certain dread that there is no answer clearer and no more comforting than "something big."

It wouldn't be malevolent of me to stay comfortable in my current situation--I don't feel like I'm doing anything bad, and I feel like I do plenty of good with my lifestyle. There's nothing wrong with the way things are--this life is good.

But somewhere, I hear a promise that I can be wiser, stronger, more confident. There are other challenges, other failures, other victories that I need to experience. And maybe, life as a whole can be better than good.

An odd sort of depression...

2009-04-27T06:16:20Z

I think I have a problem that prevents me from having as much fun as I can, enjoying my free time as much as possible, and generally being content with life.

It's an itch; a tic; a nagging feeling in the back of my brain that says "you aren't doing enough."

And it's there because of the ugliness that I see.

I have a friend who's locked up under house arrest all the time. He can't enjoy the outdoors, he can't have adventures, and he's depressed about the prospect of spending years in prison. He deserves better. He deserves something I can't give him--freedom.

He's in there because of the Animal Enterprise Terrorism Act, an act that turns misdemeanors into felonies and puts young protesters in the same class as suicide bombers. The FBI can do whatever in the world they want, and they're always the good guys; nobody even remembers or cares about COINTELPRO or their assassination of civil rights leaders. Cameras everywhere, warrantless wiretaps, and if you look carefully at the calender, you'll find it's the year 1984. Nobody notices.

I read about prison. Prison suicide, prison rape, prison depression rates. All the articles suggest that if a prisoner is depressed enough about having his life stolen away year-by-year to commit suicide, he should see a psychiatrist. If a guy is at risk of being raped, they say, he should be put in a safer block. Nobody ever suggest LETTING PEOPLE THE FUCK OUT OF PRISON!!!

Animals are tortured, people (including way too many children) starve, and I looked at the rich fucks in Berkeley as they rode their SUVs and minivans (always 1 or 2 people to a vehicle). Any one of them could give up half their fortune and feed a dozen hungry children for a year. As a great abolitionist wrote, the apathy of the masses is enough to wake the dead--or in this case, give them company.

In short, western society is sadistic and apathetic and powerful, and no matter what I do, I'm an ant compared with it. I know I have an effect in the world, but I never see it--it's a drop in the bucket.